in the words of martin luther...

i came across a quote by martin luther that explains a lesson i'm learning right now, "Pray, and let God worry."

usually the end of the semester and summer provide an opportunity to slow down and recover from the craziness of the school year and BSM ministry. that has not been the case this year. the past few months have proven to be difficult and draining for myself and my family. i'd attempt to fill you in but i'm pretty sure i'd develop carpal tunnel b/c of the shear volume of the update, and that does not sound fun.

i've spent a lot of time attempting to process the happenings of the past 4 months, trying to understand what God's doing in my life and the lives of the ones i love. sanctification is hard and painful, but thank God we don't walk through the fire alone.

God's grace continues to be sufficient, and for that, i am so thankful.

when did i get so wrapped up in me?

God's been teaching me how selfish i am. i tend to get so wrapped up in my life, the struggles and stresses that i encounter rob me from truly experiencing the joy Christ intended for me to rest in. when did i get so wrapped up in me?

the lead pastor at my church, matt chandler, is fighting brain cancer. the example and message of his life, reminds me that my God is to be glorified in good and bad... in faith and struggle... in laughter and pain.

i pray that my life will be a testimony of the sovereignty of my God. may my anger never cause people to doubt the validity of my relationship with the Lord. may my conversations point people to the cross, and my words be laced with grace, love and the mercy i've been given.

God forgive me for my selfish pursuit of the easy life. you never promised ease... in fact, you promised the opposite in philippians 1:29, "for it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for him."

God thank you for the grace you give me as i attempt to work through my stubbornness... and thank you for the lessons of sovereignty and grace you're teaching me through Matt.

to read a recent AP article on matt chandler, pastor of the village church, click here.

for shortened version of the article click here or here.

for updates on matt:

• www.thevillagechurch.net
• matt's blog
• follow matt on twitter

but by the grace of God...

as i seek to become who Christ is calling me to be, there are hard truths that i have to wrestle with. before i can begin the wrestling process, there are things that i must accept and admit about myself. the first, i am a sinful person, filled with pride, hate and selfishness.

as Christians, it seems like we've been programed to believe that we have to portray a certain "portrayal" of Christianity. i call this portrayal, "imperfect perfection." what i mean by this is that we might admit to people that we struggle, but we rarely admit and confess the actual sin in our lives... but we are great at pointing out the flaws in other people... in fact, i'd say we're quite perfect at pointing out the imperfections of others.

the moment that we think... "i'd never do that"... or "i'd never behave like they did"... is the moment that you should start to worry. you see, yes you could do "that" or what "they did," and it's only by the grace of God that you haven't. (1 Corinthians 15:10 - But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.")

i've been spending a lot of time thinking through all of this and i came across a blog entry by anne jackson (author) that discusses this, so i decided to let you read it too.

(anne jackson's blog discusses having an affair... and that's not the purpose behind my post. the purpose is to remind you that apart from the grace of God, you're nothing but a sinful mess... and left to your own devices, you could do the unthinkable.)

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I Could Cheat on My Husband

JULY 13, 2007 |

The title of this post is true. 100%. I could cheat on my husband. I remember several years ago, hanging out at my old church talking with one of my friends. I don’t know how we got on the subject but we started talking about infidelity and how nobody is immune from it.

She said,

“I could cheat on my husband. no doubt. I totally could.”

Her initial candidness surprised me at first, but within moments, I realized how right she was. Four staff members had fallen into the trap of an affair in this church, and several of our key volunteers had as well – all within a couple years. I remember everyone’s reaction who learned of the affairs:

“Never in a million years would I have thought…”

Exactly.

And let me tell you, I keep in touch with some of these people who were involved in the affairs, and they say the exact same thing:

“Never in a million years would I have thought…”

I love my husband. I adore him. He is the most generous and patient person in the world. And never in a million years would I think I could cheat on him.

It’s that mindset and letting down your guard where the devil would love to throw you in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and then before you know it…

You are the one who is looking in the mirror wondering how in the world you could have done it.

You are the one whose heart is pounding in your throat because you know you have to confess to your beloved.

You are the one who has to look your children in their eyes and explain why you’re going to be away for a while.

You are the one who is crumpled on the floor like a big ball of goo, weaping your entire being out in a deluge of tears and pain.

It could happen to me.

It could happen to you.

What are you doing to make sure it doesn’t?

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so what are you doing to make sure it doesn't happen?

you can't make sure it doesn't happen alone. you see, we are called to pursue sanctification (the process of becoming more like Christ) and that only happens when you have people in your life, who continually point you back to the Cross of Christ.

earlier this week, i heard the following statement, "sanctification is a community project." amen. and yet, we hide our mess from those around us, we don't admit to our own sinfulness, and we wonder why we fall... and fall hard.

but by the Grace of God, i have not... and i pray i never do.

a great reminder

this is a repost of a blog i read this morning by pastor steven furtick:

Miraculous Signs & Faithful Ministry

December 21st, 2009

John 10:41-42
They said, “Though John never performed a miraculous sign, all that John said about this man was true.” And in that place many believed in Jesus.

I want to drop a word of encouragement for those of you who don’t feel very successful, noticed, important or appreciated.

Just because you’re not performing miraculous signs doesn’t mean you’re not making a significant impact.

John the Baptist died by decapitation in prison, wondering whether anything he had ever dreamed, declared or done made any difference in the end.
(See Matthew 11:2-3).

Apparently, John’s ministry made more of a difference than he would ever know on earth. By the time you get to John 10:41, the Bible says “manypeople” are coming to Jesus and placing their faith in Him- all because of John the Baptist’s faithful ministry.

Maybe God will allow you to do miraculous signs in the name of Jesus. Or maybe He’ll simply call you to a faithful ministry that will prepare the way for someone else to make a significant impact through miraculous signs.

I have a feeling that when we get to heaven, we’ll discover that much of the heavy lifting for the advance of the Gospel was done by those who never performed a miraculous sign, but through years of faithful ministry, had a miraculous impact.

my God is faithful. now, if only i could return the favor.

sometimes it hits me. the realizations of where i've been and where i am. the reminder of the laughter, growth and pain that accompanied me along the way, remains vivid and etched on my heart. memories captured in the frames in my mind cause me to pause and praise God for all He's done in and around me… and then, they remind me of how far i have to go.

man, do i have a long way to go.

the darkness in my heart, the pride i keep hidden, the selfishness that takes up more of my day that i'd ever admit… thank God for grace. oh how i need it.

i'm sitting here on my $20 couch… in my new house. experiencing God's provision in new ways everyday. i'm so thankful for moments like this. the events of the year led to this moment… and even though they made no sense and hurt more than I'd ever like to remember, i praise God for His faithfulness.

my God is faithful. now, if only i could return the favor.

an unplanned break.

on sept. 28, 2009 @ 11:40 pm, i tweeted: "tonight, i attempted to write for the 1st time since july. finally felt like i had something to say. the piano felt like home again."

if you've spent any amount of time reading the things i write here, you know (at least) the following things about me: i'm analytical. i'm in ministry. i've had a rough few years.

one thing i'm not - is emotional. i journal, but not in ways that i think most people do. my analytical nature takes over there too... and rarely do emotion and feelings ever grace the page.

my emotions get sorted out through music. when i write, i wrestle with my heart... and my head is not invited.

in the midst of the mess that i found myself in this past year, i've realized that i've been afraid to let myself work through the feelings i've had. it's been easier to ignore them. in fact, until this past thursday, my guitar hadn't made it out of it's case since july.

in the midst of neglecting my emotions and feelings, a favorite part of my life was left collecting dust in my living room.

finally this past week. i felt like i was ready to step on the field and tackle what's been going on. i knew there were things that needed to be said... and i finally allowed myself to say them.

on monday night, i wrote for the first time since july. while it was hard. the result was real, raw and revealing. maybe one day i'll share it here, but i doubt it. i write to work through life and to worship my God... and that's all the audience i need.

i try to be open and honest here, but as i wrote in a recent post... i believe that boundaries are a healthy part of life, and this online revealing of learned lessons needs to be filtered as well.

thank you for reading. i pray that through writing about what i'm learning, i always point you to the cross of Jesus. it's through his grace and mercy alone that i have something worth writing and sharing.

should i be upset?

how do you feel when you realize that you've been "de-friended" by someone?

some of you have no idea what i'm talking about... most of you however, know exactly what i mean. it amazes me how technology lingo becomes normal in conversation. for example, "googled" is an understood verb meaning, "to search for something on the internet." anyway, i digress.

so for further explanation to help you get through the rest of this post... when you decide to share information and connect with someone on facebook, it is called "friending" them. when you decide to take that back, it's called "de-friending."

i don't know about you, but the moment i realize that i've been removed as someone's facebook friend, i'm not sure how to take it. i'm not an extremely sensitive person, but for some reason, "de-friending" bugs me. i admit that, on occasion, i have participated in a de-friending or two... but the act usually involves people i haven't ever had a personal relationship with or thinks that facebook is the appropriate medium to cram useless information down my throat.

because of the kind of ministry i am involved in, i spend a lot of time using social networking tools. next to email, facebook and twitter are the two most popular internet sites visited by my computer. they help me keep in touch with friends, students and publicize the happenings of the ministry where i work. in other words, whether it's good or not, social networking is an actual part of my interaction with community. it's definitely not my main source of community, but it's community none the less.

(social networking mixed with the Gospel is something i think about a lot... specifically, how do we use the internet for eternal purposes? click here to read a previous post about the topic.)

i wish that being removed as someone's facebook friend, being blocked from following someone on twitter, etc didn't impact me... but sadly, it does. the actual impact depends on the person and their involvement in my life.

what about you? do you feel rejected when excommunicated from someone's social networking neighborhood? or am i truly getting more sensitive in my old age?

counseling

i'm in counseling. i have been since november. i'm not ashamed to admit that to you. in fact... i think it's something everyone should do at some point in their life.

i started going because of some difficult situations. i continued because those situations continued. (sorry for the vagueness, but it's necessary). while the situations have changed, i continue going because i see how it benefits my life. it's not easy. in fact, i find it rather difficult. it chisels away at every part of me.

it has helped me fall more in love with God... which helps me love people better. and when you're in ministry, that's extremely important.

in the previous post, i wrote about struggling with pride and thinking i need to do and fix everything myself.

this is me letting you know... that i realize i'm not ok... and i've actually been doing something about it.

are you?

ok

"it's ok to not be ok... it's just not ok to stay there." - matt chandler

i have always prided myself on being calm, collected and steady. all of which i thought were good things. you know what the problem is though? for me, it's the word 'pride.'

i'm learning that i've got a lot to learn about, well... everything. i am prideful. i try and rely on my own strength. i have a hard time asking for help. the season of life that i'm currently in, doesn't permit me the privilege of self-conquering. i can't fix it. actually, i can't fix anything. i've tried and God keeps reminding me that i'm not big enough to do that. i need God's grace and guidance every moment, in the midst of every decision.

currently, i'm not ok... but i refuse to stay here. the lessons i'm learning, the grace i'm receiving... are true blessings. i am anxiously awaiting the moment when i look back and praise God for the changes He's made in me and through me.

in a previous post (from this past may), i wrote about the theme songs of my life. one of them being john mayer's "in repair." the bridge of this song has had a constant place in my mind for months, so much so that i asked a student to paint it in a picture so that i could hang it on my wall. i wanted a visual reminder of God's consistent work in my life.

thanks hollye for sharing your time and talent with me.

fame redefined

michael jackson passed away today. here is a crazy thought made by @feeband ... "The "king of pop" stands before the "King of Glory" today ... fame redefined."

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where is your your hope? in fame and fortune? in becoming what others want you to be?

or does your faith lie in the hands of the King of Glory? i pray that the King of Glory finds His Glory in my life.

here are some lyrics to one of my new favorite worship songs... it's been stuck in my head for the past week:

King of Glory by Matt Redman (click here if you'd like to hear it)

Your face outshines the brightest sun
Jesus, You're glorious, You are so glorious
With eyes that blaze like burning fire
Jesus, You're glorious, You are so glorious

King of Glory, have Your glory
King of Glory, have Your glory

Your voice like rushing waters sounds
Jesus, You're powerful, You are so powerful
And in Your hands You hold the stars
Jesus, You're powerful, You are so powerful

a road map... i need more than just directions.

i enjoy gadgets, especially ones that make life a little easier. cell phones, laptops, GPS, etc... all make me smile. my parents gave me a GPS for Christmas last year, and i recently purchased a new cell phone which has 2 navigation options on it... i have a good sense of direction, i can read a map, but i'd rather type in my destination and let the "man with a british accent" lead me. there's something magical about hearing, "you've reached your destination."

how often do we ask ourselves, "have i reached my destination?" "am i where i am supposed to be?" "have i gotten off course?" why else would books like The Purpose Driven Life and My Best Life Now be bestsellers (i'm not knocking the books, just stating an obvious fact)?

we all long for our lives to be different, to be more than we know, and yet we lack the discipline and honestly the desire to strive for holiness.

as i lounge on the love seat in my living room, my heart is restless and my mind mulls over the same questions that have plagued me for the past few months. i long to be who God wants me to be, to be where He wants me to be... and yet, i constantly get in the way of both.

i came across Proverbs 16:9 tonight: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

and now i'm prayerfully asking... "does my heart align with where God is leading me?"

obviously, i like to be led in the right way (my 3 GPS units prove that), and yet, i let the sinful desires of my heart distract me from where God is leading me and what He is doing around me. if God is determines my steps, my desire for a road map can be thrown to the side... and that is where the importance of focusing on a relationship with my God comes in.

a letter

since february, i have served as the interim youth minister for a church in denton. my last sunday is coming up, may 10th. here is the letter i sent to the parents today...

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Currently, I am reading through the book of Romans. I started over a week ago, and I’m still in the first chapter. It’s just that good. As I attempt to sift through Paul’s letter to the church in Rome, I find myself being constantly reminded of the sin in my life and my desperate need of grace. As Christians, we are good at forgetting who we really are and why we need Jesus in the first place. My heart rejoices that while I live in the midst of my brokenness, my God loves me.

In Romans chapter one, Paul spends a significant amount of time discussing sin and the fact that because we do not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, we find ourselves filled with wickedness (1:28). Paul is reminding them, and us, that if our own spiritual growth is not a priority, we cannot overcome the sin in our lives by ourselves. As I let the truth of that sink in, I continue to return to the opening verse of the chapter. He writes, “Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle and set apart for the gospel of God.” Paul describes himself as a servant; God has purchased him. As believers, we no longer have the right to decide what will become of our lives. The moment you say, “yes” to God, the calling in your life becomes evident. We are called to be set apart for the sake of the Gospel. The Gospel must become such a part of our lives that the saving power of God is spread wherever we go. You see, salvation doesn’t stop with being purchased by God and a calling being put on your life – there must be a response. That response is found in verse 5; because of Jesus we receive grace, and through that, our obedience to spiritual growth and evangelism comes from our faith in Him.

As I come up on my last Sunday with Highland, I praise God for the opportunity to come and walk alongside you as you invest in the lives of your students. I am continually amazed that God allows me, with the sin and struggles in my life, to play a part in reaching the world for Him. I’m grateful that your church was a part of His plan for my life.

I commit to praying for you, your family and your church as you seek the youth minister that God is calling to Highland. As you wait for God to reveal what’s next, I pray that you each remember the impact you have on the spiritual growth of your children. As I shared a few paragraphs earlier, because of our faith in Jesus, we are called and have the opportunity to invest in others for the sake of the Gospel. May your children and the world around us see Jesus and the power of the Gospel in us as we strive to become more like Christ each and every day.

thankful that God grants grace and peace in times like these.

it's been a while. in fact, exactly a month. i have plenty of reasons to explain my absence from the blog world, but rather than trying to convince you that my excuses are legit... i'd rather revisit some of my past week.

i received a phone call on tuesday. one that you never wants to get. i've been serving as the interim youth minister for a local church since february and on tuesday the music minister passed away unexpectedly and tragically.

ironically, this situation exemplifies my previous post. i have no idea how to walk through this. i find myself overwhelmed with the desire to minister and love them well. I'm thankful for God's guidance, grace and sufficiency. I trust that He will bring restoration and comfort through the upcoming weeks.

as i pray, i am continually reminded of God's grace, love and the assurance of salvation.

here's a video of a song that's been in my head all week.

who is your God?

as i sit on here on my couch, i can't help but think through this past week. not only am i a planner, i'm an analyzer. which means, i think ahead... and i think backwards. both are dangerous. so as i wade through last week i see many ways that the events have revealed my God to me.

who is your God?

let me tell you about mine.

• my God is a healer. a close family friend... so close we call them family... has been fighting brain cancer. no one has ever survived it. he's lived longer than he should. he went in for an MRI this week... and they couldn't find any sign of it. my God heals. while we don't know the future of this situation, i know that in this moment, God's love is more real then ever.

• my God is my sustainer. i'm tired. i've had a crazy past few months... actually, make that a crazy past few years. and yet when i don't know where strength will come from, He provides.

• my God draws people to Him. i see this every day, even when i'm not looking.

• my God gives. i have people in my life that love and support me. i don't deserve them.

• my God forgives me, which gives me the desire to change.

• my God loves. He loves me in-spite of me.

there's so much more that i could write. my words will never be enough to describe my.

so i ask you again, who is your God?

a backwards glance... provides a glimpse into today.

i was looking at some past journal entries of mine today... here's one from last september (in italics).

“There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.” - Luke 12:2

The affairs of the heart are the most deadly and dangerous, they strangle the life right out of you. The desires, lusts, broken truths and sinful messes that we try and keep locked inside… always find their way out… nothing stays secret.

The affairs of my heart are the hardest to face, pride and judgmental ways creep in when I’m not looking. I am so quick to point out the flaws I see in others and yet so often I try to portray an imperfect perfection – I am more than willing to let people know I struggle, but when it comes to sharing those struggles my pride steps in.

Keeping the dirt inside only makes things dirtier. You can’t dust dirt. You must remove it to find any sign of cleanliness. It is these affairs of my heart that keep me from a constant pursuit of Christ.

I must ask myself, what does my heart say when confronted by my Savior?

Just as Matt (my pastor) said last Sunday, when we share our mess with others it loosens its grip on us. When we are honest and let others in on the struggles that take hold of our lives, we no longer have to fight alone.

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as i read my thoughts from that september day, i continue to struggle... but thank God i'm still striving to get through. thankfully, i don't have to do this alone. i have been blessed with some amazing people who gladly step in and walk through life with me. some are new additions, others have had their feet muddied by my mess for years. they ask me the tough questions. call me on my crap. remind me to pray, grow and learn in the midst of everything. they let me be me and love me in the midst of it. accountability isn't just a word with them, it's a needed necessity and they graciously continue to step into that role when needed. i pray that they know how blessed i am to have them in my life.

a prayer

"my Lord God, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the read ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end. nor do i really know myself. and the fact that i think i am following Your will does not mean i am actually doing so. but i believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. and i hope i have that desire in everything i am doing. i hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire and i know that if i do this You will lead me by the right road, though i may know nothing about it. therefore, i will trust You always though i may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. i will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone."

thomas merton

revisiting.

i spent some time with a friend tonight. it was refreshing to talk about what God's doing and what's He's done, all while enjoying sweet tea. our conversation long outlasted our fast-food meal, and continued as we wandered through target and wal-mart.  we spent some time talking about spiritual markers (how God has moved in our lives), a principle from henry blackaby's Experiencing God that has stuck with both of us... it made my heart happy to think that my God is just as faithful in this moment as He's been throughout every day of my life.  He speaks.  He moves.  He proves Himself faithful over and over again.  it's good to take time to remember.

recently, i've had a song running through my head.  it's a song that has strong memories attached to it.  it's a song that sings a melody that has been in my heart often throughout my life.  i wrote previously this month about being ready to mend and wanting to learn from all that God is doing around me and in me... tonight that is more real than ever.  

here's a quick video of the song, painting pictures of egypt by sara groves:

if you aren't familiar with the song, click here for the lyrics.

Jesus Savior, pilot me

i thought i'd share the words to one of my favorite hymns:

Jesus, Savior, pilot me

Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Chart and compass come from Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

As a mother stills her child,
You can hush the oceans wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will,
When You say to them, “Be still!”
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
Grant me long and peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Your chest,
May I hear You say to me,
“Fear not, I will pilot thee.”
May I hear You say to me,
“Fear not, I will pilot thee.”

Chart and compass come from Thee;
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
May I hear You say to me,
Chart and compass come from Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Pilot me.

thought for the day

"You can't understand light unless you understand darkness, because that's where life is most often lived…somewhere between the two. It's messy and it's beautiful all at the same time." 

Bebo Norman

i'm ready to mend

i like to call myself a "spontaneous routine keeper."  i have my own way of doing things... but i can appreciate some deviations from the norm.  while i enjoy random trips, unexpected invitations, etc... i do not look forward to forced spontaneity.  i spend part of my weekend planning my up-coming week.  i keep my calendar with me (thanks to a smart phone), so that i can make sure that my days are organized.  i like to think that if i try hard enough, i can be efficient.

as i look back on the past year, i think the constant theme would have to be change.  i am not a huge fan of (most kinds of) change.  while i know change is necessary, i tend to shy away from it because it is usually brought on by uncomfortable moments... and i don't like uncomfortable.  

change rips apart normality.  it reveals how we handle situations.  it shows who we really are.  i've been severely ripped the past 12 months (give or take a day or two), so much so that i'd say that this "chapter" of life has ranked pretty high on the difficult-o-meter. 

while difficult is ... well, difficult... i'd have to say that i'm thankful for the journey.  i have had many lessons learned, cried too many tears, had my cell phone die in the midst of frustrated conversations... but i'm still thankful.  i'm thankful because my prayer life and view of God has been transformed and i am learning about myself and ministry daily.  

even though the situations have been painful, the results in my life have been good.  

i've decided that i'm ready to mend in the midst of God's love and grace, and i'm excited to see what God is going to do and where He's leading me.

i am really ready to mend.